I've been to the Logies. Written about the Logies. I've even held a Logie. But I've never won one. It's shocking I know and it's a human rights issue that needs to be addressed immediately.
Unfortunately, I'm not really eligible because I'm not regularly on TV, although I have popped up on certain programs. If there was a Logie for Most Awkward On-Air Hug, I would be a shoe-in for my ill-fated appearance on Ready Steady Cook.
However, if the stars align and somehow, some day, I managed to win a prize statue I've already planned exactly what I'd do following my historic victory. Here goes…
1. Send out a press release
In the entertainment industry, press releases are the best way to let your competition know that you are better than they are. My press release would mostly consist of pictures of me and the Logie.
2. Get new friends
If I won a Logie, I'd obviously be too famous to hang out with my old non-Logie owner friends. Even if they called me up, "Hey Logies Insider, do you want to go to the pub for dinner?" I would politely decline, informing them that I roll in different circles now and would they kindly delete my contact details.
3. Have a Logies party
Throwing the most outrageous, lavish and over-the-top party would be high on my list of things to do. There's only one catch - you need to have won a Logie to attend. This way I could weed out the inferiors and party with my people. There would be a pool full of champagne and Bert Newton would be serving those wagyu burgers I love so dearly.
4. Buy a Logie-shaped house
This may be the hardest party of my Logies-lifestyle overhaul. I've done a quick search on Domain.com and Logies-shaped properties are hard to come by. I'd really have to commit 18 months to get the proper planning and rezoning permission from the local council, meet with the builder and architects to ensure the property is structurally sound, and then source materials, before finally getting the construction underway. Allowing for setbacks, it could be three to four years before the house is ready. Totally. Worth. It.